This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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