that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
