Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
