there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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