failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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