I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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