Why is your signature on my underwear?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
