Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Someone signed my nipple.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
