If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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