I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
