I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
