when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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