I wish I could teleport
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
