If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
4 words: hood of his car
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
