I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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