I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
