Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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