Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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