White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
