I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Drake has all the answers
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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