are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
