She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
