He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
