I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
