Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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