my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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