my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just google imaged poop.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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