We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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