When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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