I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
