My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I have vodka in my lungs
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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