I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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