I wish my penis had an off switch
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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