I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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