I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
