Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
