I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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