Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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