Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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