oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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