Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
