Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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