i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
