Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
