Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
