an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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