return my video game
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
