i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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