i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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