I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
