I can text with my tongue
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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