I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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