I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
