Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
