I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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