Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
